Yes, We Were Spicy (Part 1)

*Note to reader: the post below was actually started about three weeks ago. However, due to a host of issues (including ISP problems, computer crashes, everyone and their alcoholic mothers visiting in one weekend, and the swarm of killer bees that flew into my office cubicle and dismantled my keyboard) I have been unable to get into my customary blogging groove, and have thus neglected this site and my loyal reader (yes, reader). I ask for forgiveness, and please continue to be patient as I plan on chronicling the happenings of the past few weeks, particularly our May holiday trip, in soporific segments*

Wow, it sure has been a long time since I’ve posted something here. However, I was just too swamped with scratching myself in front of the TV watching episodes of “Queer Eye” work to actually sit down in front of my computer and write something of substance. Oh wait, I guess I never did that anyway! 算了！Oh yeah, I also had to go on one of the greatest vacations in the history of mankind, so forgive the delay as I’m still recovering from the sheer awesomeness of the trip. For pictoral evidence of the aforementioned sheer awesomeness of a sentence ago, see below:

Pandas only hang out with the cool kids

As I mentioned in my previous post, which seems like decades ago, Keith and Clint and Mike and I set off on our adventure with high hopes for spiciness everywhere. Sichuan, as loyal readers will remember, is my favorite province in China (not that I’ve been to that many, unless you count Guandii as a province). We started in Chongqing, not particularly because there was much to do there, but because it was cheaper to fly there and then take a bus to Chengdu versus flying to Chengdu directly. Chongqing is known for spicy hot pot and super beautiful women, and indeed while we were exploring the area close to the hotel, one of us would call out “Spicy!” every time a pretty girl passed us. However, all of us have different tastes, and being that I only find grandmothers and facial hair attractive, I didn’t scream as often as the others did.

Because Mike and I had essentially arranged this trip in the span of two hours, we didn’t really have am ambitious itinerary in Chongqing. Thus, we found ourselves at an internet cafe, where I paid a whopping 2 RMB ($0.25 USD) for Mike to get online and surf the websites to find interesting places to eat, since we were all starving. This gave me a chance to do some work-related research, as I support the i-Cafe program in my department. Before I could start, however, Clint pointed to a girl next to me who was videoconferencing with a friend of hers online. Apparently, her friend had bought a new wardrobe and was modeling the clothes in her bedroom via the web cam. After about 20 minutes of seeing if she would get naked, Mike had finished his research and we left the dank and dingy confines, happy that we had found a place to eat.

Things didn’t look too good when we were stuck here looking for things to do

And where would that place be, you ask? Try KFC, where, after traversing a few blocks of extremely local terrain and being ignored by about 30 cab drivers, we found ourselves standing in front of the Chongqing Carrefour. At that point, the KFC sign beckoned to us like the toothless grandma I had tried to hit on four hours prior, so we cavorted in and ordered a bucket. As if snacking on wings and corn under the watchful eyes of Colonel Sanders in Chongqing was not surreal enough, Tom Jones suddenly blasted from the speakers above. At that point, we probably could have found a more “Chinese” experience watching a rodeo in Texas.

Eventually, we gave up on looking for local attractions, as we had had our fill from simply being lost in the streets of local Chongqing. Clint and Keith decided they wanted to show their supple bodies to the adoring throngs by the pool at the JW Marriott, so after chicken we went into the Carrefour to shop for swimming trunks of all things. I’ve been known to float in extremely salty water; other than that, I try to stay away from the water these days until I can exhibit a six pack (at the rate I’m going, I’ll need a time machine and go back to when I was 4 to actually see any abdominal muscles whatsoever). Clint and Keith, being skinny and fatless as they are, had a great time trying different bathing suits on each other.

Clint was making all the ladies wet…their pants in laughter

When evening rolled around, we decided to try out the famous Chongqing hotpot. Given that 4 out of every 4 restaurants in the city are hot pot places, we figured we would have much better luck than we did in the afternoon. After sauntering around the shopping district, we headed to the food street and were eventually lured into the restaurant by the properietor standing outside, who claimed that hers was the most famous hot pot restaurant in Chongqing, and being savvy and experienced China travelers, we believed her and stepped in.

Indeed, it turned out to be some of the most delicious hot pot we’ve ever had, despite the threatening look of the pot when it was first placed on the table. For those of unfamiliar with spicy hot pot, imagine a boiling vat of red hot oil. Then, imagine sticking pieces of raw meat and entrails into it and letting it cook. Then, imagine that I’m the 10 year old niece of a shepherd in the Swiss alps back in the late 19th century, picking berries and churning butter four times a week in my adorable little pigtails. If you’ve done all that, then you’ve just visualized my deepest, darkest fantasies.

After going through about eight cartons of napkins as we dripped sweat from our foreheads, we finally sat back and beamed at our accomplishment; we had stared the hot pot beast in the eye, and slayed it with thine own greasy hands. And then, *poof!* Our elation was wiped out when the waitress walked over and said: “Next time, you should try the medium spicy hot pot instead of the non-spicy one we gave you!” We had been riding training wheels this whole time.

Frightening at first, the spicy hot pot slowly turned into a friend

Our one night in Chongqing turned out to be a satisfying set-up for the rest of our adventure. The next day, as we bid adieu to the huge alien statue in front of our hotel (I guess the citizens of Chongqing have a deep admiration for the X-Files) and climbed on to the bus toward Chengdu, Mike and I looked at each other knowingly.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
He nodded back at me, “Yup, you’re thinking we should definitely come back here?”
I shook my head. “Nah man, I’m thinking I should have dropped the kids off at the pool back at the hotel over there. It’s a long bus ride, after all.”

And indeed, I should have.

*to be continued*

Chongqing, famous for bizarre public monuments