The Most Important Announcement of All Time

And now, ladies and gents, the announcement that the greatest film of all time is coming in about two years: Transformers is coming to the big screen!

Ok, so most of the general population will respond with something along the lines of “WTF? Who cares?” and for the few knowledgeable Transformers fans out there, you might scratch your head and want to mention the first movie, which came out in 1986. None of that matters; all you need to know is that this one is being directed by Michael Bay and produced by (drum roll) Steven Spielberg!

Who’s got the touch?! Who’s go the power?! Steven Spielberg does!

I’m stoked about this because Transformers was a big part of my childhood and, I’m embarrassed to say, my very awkward adolescence. Shitty memory #29: when I was almost in high school I rekindled my love of the toys and started collecting them again, rummaging through garage sales and buying them off friends for cash or porno mags. I remember getting my hands on an immaculate Perceptor, complete with functioning microscope and little plastic red gun.

I still have this beautiful creature…crammed in a box somewhere in my parent’s garage

I was so enamored with this collectible that I carried it around with me one Saturday while running errands with my parents. It wasn’t until one shop-owner raised a curious eyebrow at me and incredulously asked “You’re STILL playing with toys at your age?” that I realized that I had probably set my abilities with the ladies back at least half a decade lugging that toy around. I underestimated, of course, to which my current lack of any semblance of smoothness can attest. At least I still have Perceptor (and a decent Optimus Prime, without one of his arms) to keep me warm at night.

Transformers did contribute to another one of my favorite activities: fucking around with my little brother’s head. I loved to ride in the car and point out vehicles on the road and tell him that they were real Transformers. I even pointed out Optimus once, though I had to tell him that he was undercover and in disguise. I don’t know when my brother stopped believing that Transformers were real and that they did not actually live in the San Gabriel mountains harvesting solar energy and wind for their Energon cubes; in fact, I may have completely forgotten the part about revealing that the whole thing was a gag.

Andrew, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Transformers are still very real and one day Optimus will return from the dead (if he’s dead at all) and show us the path to wisdom and virtue.

Anyway, July 4th 2007 will be marked on my calendar. I’ll be almost 29 years of age by then, which is what I long ago decided would be the cut-off age for me to stop sleeping with Megatron under my pillow in case a burglar came into my room so that I could scare him off; what a perfect way to send my childhood companions (I’m such a loser!) off hurtling into the past.