#!@%$# Shanghai

Just yesterday I was having lunch with Clint and Quiana. Clint was Judy’s friend who came out to Shanghai to visit over a year ago, and now is here until January “studying Chinese” at Jiaotong University, which is really code for “buying DVDs and drinking every night.” Clint mentioned that a lot of the ladies who were in Shanghai his last visit are no longer living here. Mulling it over, I told him there were several reasons why women from overseas tire of Shanghai fairly easily, not least because Shanghai is dirty, smelly, pushy, rude, and overall frustrating. All of the things, I proudly told them, that made me say nary a negative word about this city in which I’ve been living for two years.

Well, I probably jinxed myself, because not only do I want to say negative things about Shanghai, I want to pick up Shanghai by its collar, shake Shanghai until the shit comes out of its ears, then throw Shanghai to the ground and proceed to kick Shanghai until it’s a bloody pulp. Then I want to unzip my pants and pee all over Shanghai. Well, that last bit I would do, if I don’t do that almost every weekend anyway.

Why the wrath? Well, after waiting for over 20 minutes trying to get a cab to catch my shuttle, then missing my shuttle and waiting another 20 minutes trying to get one to go to the subway stop so that I could take the subway to another shuttle to work, I found myself screaming out obscenities in the middle of the street, much to the fascination of several Chinese schoolchildren who were probably wondering to themselves, “Why didn’t I learn those words in English class?” Those of you who know me well know that I don’t usually scream out profanity unless sonmething really dramatic happens, like when I dribble juice on my chin or when I meet a Republican. This was one of those crazy mornings where I was about to punch an old Chinese grandma because she had the audacity to be walking a really ugly dog in front of me.

I don’t get Shanghai-rage too often, but when I do, it’s usually directed at the utterly inept city planning that is the reason why four-car lanes will suddenly turn into two-car lanes in the busiest intersections of this huge metropolis. The fact that people are rude and cutthroat when it comes to stealing cabs after you’ve hailed one doesn’t help either; it happened today and I was just waiting for the cab to stall on ignition so I could open the door, yank out the Chinese dude who got to the cab faster than I did, and throttle him. They should have some sort of etiquette campaign to train everyone how to be normal and courteous, at least for a few weeks so that the Chinese don’t make complete dolts of themselves during the Beijing Olympics. I was also raging at all the parents that were hogging the cabs so they could send their kids to school. “Get a bike,” I wanted to scream, until I remembed I was one of those taxi-hogs myself. Still, I wanted to play kickball with those kids anyway, with me doing the kicking and them being the balls. It was quite a violent morning in my mind. So violent that I finally came into work and ordered some fettucine from the cafeteria, which costs three times as much as anything else. Who cares, I wanted to treat myself nice. Too bad it took more than 20 minutes to get the food, so I had no choice but to throw myself over the counter and pound the server’s head into the sauce vat. By the way, I’m now fired from Intel and working at AMD. My career is now over.

#!@%$# Shanghai! I still love you, though. I will pee on you later tonight.