These are the people I know

A lot of things have happened in the past week since I’ve returned from Qingdao:

- My gym was shut down by the authorities for not paying some sort of fee/tax/lease.
- My friend Jia Hua snorted too much coke at Armanni and I had to carry her home.
- I got a new bike.

The gym thing really rankles me because I should have seen it coming. It was such a terrible, shitty little gym that always smelled like moist seat cushions. The weights were shoddy, the treadmill had bumps on the tread, and the equipment looked like it was from the Schwarzenegger era. If I were opening a gym to scam local expats who had nowhere else to go, I’d try to keep my costs as low as possible as well.

In all honesty, my first reaction on hearing this news was: “Yes! Don’t need to work out after all!” But then I realized that this was the exact mentality that was keeping me from achieving all the challenging goals I set for myself, such as eating 6 burritos at Taco Popo instead of 5, or not having to stop and take a breather during a pound-out session.

I kid, I kid.

Anyway, I decided to go running anyway since I had already put on my workout costume. And as a reward for a 20 minute jog through the neighborhood, I decided to drop 800 RMB on a bottle of Johnny Walker at the CLASS bar with Jia Hua and her cousin, Sandy. I dragged Eddy along too, who by now probably wants to drop-kick my nuts for making him deal with that mess at Armanni. After CLASS and Guandii, Jia Hua wanted to meet her friends at the VERY local club. At the outset, Sandy told everyone that I was Jia Hua’s boyfriend so that I could drink for free; not that I needed any more alcohol in my system. At first what sounded like a grand plan turned into a nightmare when Jia Hua snorted too much coke, and I was left trying to hold her head up and keep her puke out of her hair. After carrying her limp body out of the club and into the cab while trying not to let her boobs pop out and letting her drop a few times, we finally arrived at my place and successfully dragged her onto the tatami.

Eric: Should I take her to the hospital?
Sandy: Don’t worry, if we take her they’ll probably put her in prison for a few years, so let’s just take leave her here.
Eric: Sounds dicey
Sandy: We’re used to it

And I guess she was right, since the next morning Jia Hua woke up, drank some of my green tea, and innocently wondered why she couldn’t remember the previous 10 hours. Then she watched TV and let her cousin tell me things like, “Wouldn’t Jia Hua make a great wife?” Yes, these are the people I know.

Saturday started out much better as Eugenia came over and helped me buy a bicycle. With my gym shut down I had decided to get a bike so I could ride out to one a bit farther away, since after seeing Jia Hua licking the floor at Armanni I had vowed to myself to lead a much healthier life. Finally, after getting all the locks AND the basket (yes, I am now THAT Chinese), I rode my first Chinese bike home from the market with Eugenia holding on in the back. It was a sight I had seen thousands of times on the streets of Shanghai; guy riding bike with girl sitting prettily in the back. I never thought I’d be one of those guys, but Keith was right: it’s a fantastic feeling. Hopefully I get a chance to do it again before my new bike gets stolen, which is the inevitable tragic ending of every bike-story I’ve ever heard. I’d like to delay that inevitability as long as I can, which is why I now sleep with the front tire next to me in bed.

The healthy thing lasted about two hours as Eugenia and I went to all-you-can-eat sushi with Chace, Lucy, Clint and Kasper after I parked the bike at home. Two hours after that, Chace and Kasper and I were yelling out made-up stories of Keith and hookers and pouring sake down each others’ throats. Eugenia, who was wearing pink, drank just enough to have her face match her shirt. After we stumbled out and decided to go home, I was relieved that I didn’t have to do any more drinking. That is, of course, until I decided 1 minute later to go to Baidu and visit Coco and Yang Yang. I wish someone else was in the cab to stop me, as the night ended the way they always do, with me dropping even more money on another bottle I didn’t need. This time I called Kasper, who had already arrived at his house, to come back out. He responded with the following text message, which I’m showing here just to give y’all an idea of how wrong in the head we all were that night, and which I will never delete from my phone as long as I can. Word for word:

” I r home and ahhh y not u tell me b4 i like u pink f7iend ”

Kasper, let’s go out again soon.