Just got back from Chengdu, and my strongest reaction has been: Oh no, another potential city for me to go and wreck myself in. In the spirit of China’s “Go West” push to increase investment in the inland provinces, both Intel and I have signed on. The spicy food, the beautiful women, and all the panda bears made me go a-ga-ga for the city, and now I’m trying to get it out of my head. What makes this place so fantastic, you ask? Did I mention the spicy food, the beautiful women, and all the panda bears?
First of all, the spicy food. Sichuan food is my favorite type of Chinese food, even though I usually end up curled up in the fetal position afterwards swearing I’ll never swallow another oily pepper again. Most of the dishes are bathed in red chili sauce and oil, and if you think it’s red going in, it’s a lot redder coming out (pause for the ‘ew’). Stil, it tastes so good and favorful, with all kinds of meat dripping in juices and oils and spices that it turns your insides into the interior of a cheap Las Vegas casino; lots of lights and lots of noise. I’m sure if I ate this stuff everyday I’d be getting a good shellacking from the health-conscious nuts around me. Wait a sec, there AREN’T any health-conscious nuts in China. Add in the cold beers that cost a fraction of what they do in Shanghai, and Chengdu wins in the sustenance department by a landslide. Or a Big Buddha’s foot.
Sweating AND salivating…a lethal Sichuan one-two
Then there are the girls. I’ve been in China long enough to know that every region is supposed to be famous for its beautiful women. Hangzhou, Suzhou, Shanghai, Harbin, Dalian. It’s not surprising, since a gajillion people live in this country, and half a gajillion of them are women. I’ve heard the most compliments about Sichuan women, however, and though I’ve met a few in Shanghai that are head-turners, I figured it would mostly be all hype as I sat in the car on the way into the city.
I was wrong. Cute girls are everywhere, from the waitresses to the bicyclists to the wonderful ladies in the HR department at Intel. I don’t have any pictures because I was too busy ogling. Though not very tall, Sichuan girls are known for perfect skin, big round eyes, and a “spicy” attitude, whatever the hell that means. I don’t care, it sounds fantastic. And Chengdu has plenty of ways to meet them. I heard there’s this bar where men and women sit at different tables. Each of the tables has a number on it, and also a phone. You can then call the table with all the cute girls (or guys) and invite them over to sit at your table. Very Korean, without the misogyny. Most of you won’t be surprised to learn that in my six days in Chengdu, the only thing close to a pick-up I got was from a dude named Hanson. I did not linger long enough to learn if he was spicy or not.
Three major rivers converge here for the ultimate cocktail
And finally, the panda bears. Sichuan is the only province you’ll find them, save for a few dirty starving ones at the zoos in other cities. Chengdu is surrounded by pockets of natural beauty only an hour or two away, including Leshan and Emeishan and about 50 other mountains that are supposed to be gorgeous. Maybe that’s why people have stocky legs, because they have to climb so many damn mountains. But I’ll climb Everest to be with my panda brothers and sisters anyday. Speaking of which, ladies and gents, it’s that time of the year when I feel like regurgitating that old joke again:
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders some buffalo wings. After he finishes, he takes out a gun and shoots the man next to him, then walks out of the bar. A flabbergasted patron, amazed at what he just saw, asks the bartender, “Did you just see that?!” The bartender coolly responds: “Yeah, it’s no big deal. Happens all the time.” Incredulous, the patron goes: “Wait, what did you say?” Bartender: “Don’t you know? The panda bear eats,shoots, and leaves.”
Some things never get old. Like that kid from “Webster“.
